You only get one birth mom (though some are lucky to have bonus moms or mother figures, too!). Whether your mom is your best friend or you haven’t trusted her for years, she’s probably going to be a central figure in your life for a long, long time.
Even if she’s hurt you in the past, try not to say any of these 10 things to your mother. No matter how good your relationship is, they will only hurt her and make your time together more complicated.
“You don’t love me”
Everybody says you can’t know how loved you are by your parents until you become a parent yourself. The bond between a mother and her child is like no other relationship in the world, and she loves you, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Keep in mind—your mom can love you without agreeing with you. She can love you without supporting your relationship. She can love you without loving the way you spend your free time. Learn to recognize the difference and accept the love your mom is able to offer you.
2. “Whatever”
Unless you’re 13 and hormonal, “whatever” is not an appropriate response to anything your mom has to say. It’s the verbal eye roll that tells your mom you think she’s not only wrong, but annoying. If you disagree with your mom, be mature enough to say it.
3. “I wish you were more like so and so’s mom”
Never forget—your mom is human. She’s as entitled to mistakes, personality quirks, and flaws as you are. Sure, someone else’s mom might seem more fun or laid back, or they might have more in common with their child than you and your mom do. But that’s not your mom’s fault.
Your mom would have as tough a time changing her personality as you would. Don’t punish her for it. Instead, learn to appreciate and celebrate the unique person your mom is.
4. “You look tired”
It doesn’t matter how close you and your mom are, this is just one of those things that doesn’t need to be said. Bring her a coffee instead of telling her she looks tired.
5. “You never…”
Even if you and your mother have a difficult past, bringing it up doesn’t repair it. Instead of focusing on what your mom hasn’t done, focus on the future. If there’s something you need from your mom, be specific and ask for it instead of reiterating how she’s let you down before.
6. “You always…”
Your mom is a growing, developing person, just like you are. No matter how old she is, she can still change. “You always” statements tell your mom that she’s disappointed you before and that she’s going to keep doing it. That’s hurtful and counterproductive.
7. “I’ll do what I want”
If you ask for advice, you better be willing to receive it. Enough said.
8. “Is the laundry done?”
Your mom has done a lot for you over the years. Sure, when you were a kid you needed her to feed you, do your laundry, and take care of a thousand other things. But once you’ve grown up, act like it. Show some gratitude for all that your mom has done for you, and repay the favor every once in a while.
9. “I know you love my brother/sister more than me”
Your mom doesn’t have to have the same relationship with you and your siblings. Maybe she is easier on your sister, or prioritizes your brother more. This behavior is hurtful and frustrating, but bringing it up will only create discord. Focus on developing your relationship with your mom instead of chipping away at the relationship she has with your siblings.
10. “You’re a bad mom”
This is akin to someone telling you you’re a bad person. You have bad days. You make bad decisions. You’re not perfect. But you’re growing and learning. So is your mom. Learn to see her as a flawed, imperfect person, just like you are, and you’ll both be happier.
You might not be able to choose your mom, but you can choose how you act in your relationship with her. Choose patience, thoughtfulness, and forgiveness, no matter how she responds, for a more nuanced, adult relationship.
